"Team" Canada

To make sense of this week’s “Team Canada” response to Trump’s Tariffs, I carefully reviewed everything I know about federalism and game theory. It wasn’t helpful. Instead, today’s analysis will draw on my experience as Assistant Coach of a U5 soccer team in the early 2000s.

It’s game day. Team Canada Tots are in the finals, up against a team from a wealthy neighbourhood to the south. They’re so rich, the kids have matching shorts and socks, not just team jerseys.

It’s been a tough season. The moms were really upset with the coach, so they got together to fire him but the new guy just showed up for the first time today. And it turns out that he has an impeccable resume as a T-ball coach, but he’s never played soccer before.

Two of the team members - Li’l Andrew and Li’l Dennis - have quit the team because “soccer is hard and I don’t like it anymore.” Li’l Dennis has a sub (Li’l Rob L.) but it’s his first game.

Li’l Wab is a great team player, so he’s standing on the sidelines singing the team song at the top of his lungs. He almost drowns out Li’l Danielle who is shouting “I WILL NOT PLAY LEFT WING. I’M NOT A LEFT WING PLAYER. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. MY FAMILY IS RICH, YOU KNOW. I HAVE FRIENDS ON THE OTHER TEAM. DON’T MAKE ME QUIT THIS TEAM AND GO JOIN THEIR TEAM!”

Li’l Danielle’s best friend, Li’l Moe, has quietly wandered off across the field to see what the other team is having for snack.

Meanwhile, on the field, Li’l Doug has the ball. He’s being followed by a gaggle of players. Li’l Francois is trying to catch up. Li’l Doug shouts: “LOOK AT ME! I HAVE THE BALL! I’M GOING TO SCORE A GOAL! I’M GOING TO BE THE TEAM CAPTAIN! CALL ME CAPTAIN!!”

“Dougie!” yells the coach. “Dougie! You’ve left the field. You’ve passed the net! Come back! Turn around!!”

Li’l Danielle starts to shout “WHY DON’T I GET THE BALL? I DESERVE THE BALL. I’M GONNA GO TALK TO MY FRIENDS ON THE OTHER TEAM.”

The coach sighs and shrugs. Too bad there aren’t referees in U5 soccer.