Another Pipeline Announcement

The 2026 Calgary Stampede is winding down. Momentum is flagging. So I’m here to inject new life with… another pipeline announcement! After all, we’ve got a full 4 days since the last one. We’re overdue!

So here it is: I’m announcing an agreement with a craft brewery (private sector proponent to be identified later in the project) to build a beer pipeline to my house.

Now, you might think this is silly, but it has all the hallmarks of a suitable Major Project:

1. This idea is as European as a multi-national sequin-forward song contest. It is inspired by the De Halve Maan pipeline in Bruges, and will help us convince the Europeans that we’re one of them.

2. It contributes to national unity at a critical moment. Beer is an essential part of Canadian identity, and if I have to think soberly about the Alberta referendum for another 101 days, I may separate from something.

3. It’s a pipeline. You can never have too many.

I recognize that there are some elements of this plan that require mitigation.

True, there’s no private sector proponent yet. But I’m sure one will emerge. And if not, how could governments possibly say no to subsidizing this pipeline after they’ve subsidized the other ones?

Also, this proposal does little to add to Alberta’s GHG emissions. At present, our per-capita GHG emissions are lagging behind Saskatchewan’s. If Alberta were a country, its per capita GHG emissions would not make it #1, as our 60 tonnes per capita lag pathetically behind Palau, at 63 tonnes per capita.¹ Clearly, we need to address this disparity. To contribute to this important goal, I have considered turning my attic into a data center, but I think my neighbours might not appreciate it. So I will commit to using AI more extensively so that Alberta can achieve its international targets.

Finally, readers might be asking themselves whether this pipeline will ever be built. It’s a reasonable question. But why should I be held to higher standards than the province of Ontario?

Happy end of stampede, y’all!

1. This is what AI has told me. Is it a hallucination? Is Palau even a country? Do each of its 200 citizens drive a Hummer? Welcome to the post-truth era!