On the Highway to Hell

Ignoring all the off-ramps

Albertans are trapped on the Highway to Hell. We’re stuck on a bus whose driver will only listen to the rowdies crowded in the front of the bus, shouting at her to go faster so we make it to our hellish destination: Referendumtown.

We’ve been on this bus for a year now. It’s starting to stink.

There have been off-ramps, but the driver wouldn’t take them. There was a petition on the back of the bus that we should vote on a different destination. The driver ignored it.

There have been exit ramps along the way, but the driver has swerved to avoid being in the turn lane.

Today, the bus has approached a three-lane exit ramp marked with arrows, flashing lights and a neon sign saying: “THIS IS YOUR BEST OFF RAMP: TURN HERE!”

The driver shook her head and kept us pointed toward Referendumtown.

There are three lanes in this off-ramp:

The first one is labelled ‘Electoral Integrity’: the breach of the voters’ list raises questions about Elections Alberta’s ability to verify the separatist petition, as well as about improper/illegal use of voter information in a referendum campaign. The driver has the option of putting on the brakes here, postponing any referendum until after the investigation is completed. If the rowdies in the front of the bus complain, she could remind them that they were the ones who created the situation in the first place. “Actions have consequences, boys!”

The second lane is labelled ‘duty to consult.’ Today’s ruling that Elections Alberta should not have approved the petition to be opened up for signatures in the first place because there was a duty to consult with affected First Nations offers the opportunity to pull the bus over to a rest stop until the complex and important legal questions involved can be resolved by a higher court. “Sorry guys, this is a treaty bus. It’s more important to get it right than to do it right away.”

The third lane is labelled ‘a better destination.’ Rumour has it that on Friday the federal government is going to drive up alongside the bus in a bright red Ford F150 flying F** Trudeau flags to say “sorry about those environmental regulations. How ‘bout a pipeline?” Since the driver got us on the bus in the first place because the federal government was being mean, this display of federal remorse would give her cover to pull over and take a breath. “Maybe Canada works after all, boys!”

Do I think the driver is going to take any of these exits? No, I do not. She likes driving this bus. She’s pretty sure that the rowdies at the front of the bus would knife her if she pulled over. She’s probably right.

So here we are, stuck on a bus on the Highway to Hell, wondering if there’s a court that’s going to put down a spike strip in front of the bus to puncture its tires. Because that’s the only way we’re stopping!